Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in nicoleteknus' LiveJournal:

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Monday, June 23rd, 2008
6:36 pm	nicole goes to graduation rehearsal: nightmare ensues. so today i woke up and a few things were just.. off. i couldn't seem to wake up, misplaced my money order, couldn't find my keys before i left just one of those morning when you know in the pit of your stomach that some bad karma is about to catch up with you. blech. i got to the school and ms.macy played the recording of the piano accompaniment that they had just recorded for the song i'm singing at graduation.... it was so wrong. so so horribly wrong. notes were missing altogether, the tempo was at LIGHTENING speed and i could barely catch my breath. i ran through it a mere 2 times before we headed up to the cafeteria for grad. run-through. oh and did i mention? in this time it started raining.. pouring, in fact. so rehearsal was going to be held in the auditorium? fantastic. to say the least my performance went terribly. in the middle of it i just wanted to cry. i dropped phrases altogether just so i could catch my breath, my song hardly even sounded like english i was trying so desperately to keep up with the piano recording, my voice wavered in the worst spots, and i watched as people who have been my biggest supporters exchanged eyebrows-raised glances. i. was. mortified. it was probably my most embarassing moment thus far, and it happened in front of my entire graduating class. the second my song ended i had to restrain myself from RUNNING back to my seat and digging my way through the auditorium floor, through bald hill and right up and out to my car in the student parking lot. yes, it was that bad. i get back to my seat and had found a new level of hatred: passion to kill. legit wanted ms.macy's heart. fabbbbb. in my haze of mortification though, i went up to the sound guy who had supposedly said that i couldn't use my orginal accompaniment of the carrie underwood karaoke cd.. complete with unstrumentals and back-up singers to boot. after talking to him he said to bring it by later and he would listen to it. i went to his house at around 4.. after frantic phone calls from ms.macy telling me that ms.dolan yelled at her after rehearsal for the accompaniment  of mine and the other groups song.. and how all of us were causing such problems because we were so unhappy i kind of hope she didn't want sympathy from me, because she got less than none. i got to mike's house (the sound guy for all of the shows , too, coincidentally) and after a few technical difficulties he said that the cd sounded fine.. great even, for graduation. thank you baby jesus. now i can actually love the song i'm singing again - which i do. just not when its butchered. so tomorrow morning at 9:30 am i'm heading back up to the school to practice with ms.macy then i need to go tanning ( as my graduation gift to myself, i bought an unlimited month package at del sol and a bottle of lotion :) ..latelyyy tanning is legit my one source of relaxation that never fails) then i need to go with rachel to pick up our dresses.. and go buy a purse since i forgot to do that. and i have a spray tan appointment at 5. and i know there are more things i have to do/said i'd do but my memory has not been up to par lately. now i'm attempting to do laundry then shower and meet alex at starbucks and then at 10 i'm going with the meangirls to applebees for half-priced appetizers. i should go.. like now. like now now. Current Mood: stressed (Comment on this)
Sunday, June 22nd, 2008
11:53 pm	my personal discovery of jack johnson: philosophy ensues. We could make this into anything We could make this into more than words we speak This could make us into anything It could make us grow and become what we'll be we've all been told that moments ultimately define our lives.. that actions speak louder than words and every other consoling cliche in the book throughout our lives. but what if they're wrong? what if it's the questions we ask and the thoughts we occupy ourselves with that defines who and what we are? it's the words we speak and those questions we create that allow us to learn. if we never asked ourselves what love was - how would we know what it was when that "moment" did come along? if we never thought about what it meant to be contented or hateful or euphoric - how would we put it into words when they did happen? moments and reality itself holds weight in our lives - but its also the thoughts and words that follow that keep us moving forward: holding on, letting go, falling... nothing can take away an action that's been done.. but what we choose to put into words can't be looked over or disregarded, can it? i consider myself acceptable at rhetoric- allowing myself to get the answers of questions i never wanted to say, or implying those things i wish so much that i could. my point is.. i want this to become more than words, actions, thoughts. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Saturday, June 21st, 2008
10:24 pm	"there are some things in life that need grey areas..."      so today was my graduation party. a day that i never really expected to come. since i was about 6 my family always told me that "in no time" the baby of the family would grow up who knew it could get here so instantaneously? jillian and amanda (my cousins) are going into their LAST year of college, while i'm just beggining this new and unexpected chapter of my life. it's beyond unreal. my life lately is all about grey areas.. i'm in a transition period no matter where i turn. today i looked around though and realized what IS concrete in my life... rachel, for one. i could easily start crying just writing that simple sentence. she is that complete definition of a best friend to me. in every sense of the word she is there for me.. and i find the most supreme comfort getting that phone call every morning asking "so babygirl... what are we doing today?" going to cortland is easily the most exciting thing to happen to me yet, but the very thought of  having to LEAVE rach is not a pleasant one to say the least. but i guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.. to fill my entry with yet another cliche. my family is the other thing that's so consistent. they were all SO proud of me today. and i don't think i've ever been so overwhelmed with so many people being so happy with me i almost couldn't handle it- eveyone smiling and hugging me and crying that "little nicole" was moving on with life i didn't let myself cry- instead i had a fab time happily accompanied with chardonnay... is anyone surprised? tomorrow i'm going out to montauk with my second family (the allengers<3) to visit the montauk house we're renting for 2 weeks in july & august.. seriously my life couldn't get better. and i feel like i might be jinxing myself writing it for everyone to see but it really is amazing. i have the best friends i could ever ask for (mean girls), a brand new beautiful car, a college ready and waiting for me that i COULD NOT be more excited to go to, a roomie that i'm soooo in love with- legit she's probably the most adorable person everrrrrr, a job that i love (gilly hicks), this week is my prom! (which rachel is my date to BTW), and I'M SINGING AT MY GRADUATION. and on top of all else i'm completely falling in love. there's a boy i've been talking to/had the most ridiculous crush on for over a YEAR and finally FINALLY things are going the right way.. i spend nearly every night with him and there's something right about when i'm with him.. it's strange. being that i've dated every codependant, bipolar, and sociopath in the tri-state area being with someone that i could actually have a FUNCTIONAL relationship with is WEIRD(?) to me. i may need therapy. i've been told before, don't worry. there's no achievement of perfection going on or anything... but i look around and i'm almost jealous of myself.. like i have been of all the people i've watched in my life find their own way. i wish all that i have right now on every single person i know :) ...and to conclude with a supreme example of my maturity: a picture of me with my PRINCESS CASTLE CAKE: peace love and prosperity.. kaybye. Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Monday, September 10th, 2007
4:10 pm	My senior year just keeps getting better. The first day i started off in the most amazing way possible; with my best friends. I drove my car to the student parking lot and when i got to the entrance waited for amanda and robbie i didnt have to wait long- less than a minute went by before i saw them both running towards me. Movie-scripted as it was we all rrrrran towards each other started hugging and screaming "OMG!!" "I LOVE YOUU!!" "I CANT BELIEVE WE'RE SENIORS!!!" etc etc. it was the perfect way to start the best year ever. my schedule is awesome - i love my teachers. all the drama within the senior class is just gone, theres no tension or akwardness. i see robbie and amanda for 3 periods everyday =]. mrs. a is gone and i have to say that was the hardest part of my first day, i really really miss her. there's too many boys for one entry - and i love it. i'm actually ENJOYING doing the work im assigned - its challenging but totally manageable. im focused on being ME, spending as much time with my friends and enjoying every minute of this year. i'm so happy right now, words can't begin to capture the smile constantly on my face. I LOVE YOU SENIOR YEAR!!!!!!!!! Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Thursday, July 12th, 2007
4:15 pm	i've come to the conclusion: if i keep myself busy, i'm happy. simple enough. this morning i woke up at 9:30am, made coffee - washed my face - and met kristina at the gym. 20 minutes on the tread mill - 30 minutes of abs - 25 minutes on the arc trainer. and on the way home i was in such a good mood<3 i rolled the windows down, turned the music up and drove around for an extra 10 or so minutes. it was that unmistakable feeling when every song is suddenly your  absolute favorite and you feel free. lately the feeling i've been searching for is a sense of peace- and it seems that keeping myself chaotically busy helps me to achieve that? things often dont make sense when it comes to achieving my own happiness, but this i wont fight with. afterwards i came home showered and went off lunching with mommy in sayville we walked around and i told her everything thats going on in my life, she really is darling. now im home again still wearing my very cute new outfit: Lucky Jeans purple tunic, Hollister white denim shorts and an ornate vintage-y locket. later on? mall with the girls then seeing jeevan and maybe dennis. Current Mood: content (Comment on this)
Monday, July 9th, 2007
1:43 pm	hello, again that is. so much has changed since the last of my entries and it's very strange to read over all of them. i think making all of my old entries private is the best idea for everyone. but i have to admit, the prospect of writing in this all over again is a happy one. it's now 1:44pm and i have to be at work pretty soon - so a complete update will have to be postponed<3 Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 26th, 2006
3:33 pm	We build a treehouse I keep it from shaking Little more glue every time that it breaks Perfectly balanced, And then I start making, Conscious, deliberate mistakes.. All that I ask for Is one little corner One private room At the back of my heart my life has become one continuous, repetitive, stressful blur from now until foreverrrr. i commonly forget what day it is, and have to think of days in the sense of multiple tasks as opposed to an entire onslaught of EVERYTHING. i just concentrate on what i'm faced with, because if i think too far ahead i'll make myself sick. BUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT KRISTI COMES HOME THIS WEEKENDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD i can't can't can't wait srslyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy<3 okay so friday me kris and rach are having a super-duperamazingomgzbiffles sleepover !!! AND we're ordering disgusting amounts of [ the also disgusting ] dominoes AND we're going to watch mean girls AND we're going to talk about EVERYTHING AND i'm going to attackkkkkk her because I MISS THAT GIRL SO MUCHHH andandand =] !!! i'm pathetic. ANDDD couldn't care lessssss. =]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]] Current Mood: ecstatic (Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 19th, 2006
6:29 pm	I feel as though i'm constantly struggling to be the protagonist in my own life story. there always seems to be something holding me back, and I can't seem to win. I work to make everyone happy and then i focus on becoming who i idealy want to be. I feel like i'm always dissapointing someone, or not being what i'm expected. In my past life i would like to think i'd have been a glitzy Jazz singer in the twenties, completely effortless and always adored. I would absolutely love that. Speaking of Jazz.. the show is soon and i need that again. I love that time of year so much. And this year i want more than anything to obtain some recognition. I know what i'm capable of, and i'm willing to do whatever i have to to be able to showcase it. Everything else i'm working towards right now just seems so far-off in the future.. I don't want to become discouraged but it's frustrating to work and have no tangible results. I miss dennis. I miss having someone to hug me and kiss me and hold my hand. The more i think about it the more convinced I am that that's what's dicouraging me. No matter what i get on that AP history exam, no matter how much i study and push myself.. the one thing i truly want is still 25 days away from being real. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 9th, 2006
8:12 pm	hihihihihi i'm in a really good mood right now =] road test is monday i'm nervous, but i think i should be prepared by now. the people from california closets came today and i'm getting everything i want. everything =] THAT makes me happy. today i picked up this wash-out hair dye which, until now, my dad has never let me do. =] the shade is "spiced brown" a brownish red.. it should be perfect anddd i can't wait. i'm saving it for myself and rachels next impromptu spa day =]]] right now i'm home, and while i can't go out tonight, i'm buh-LASTING aida andddd that makes me pretty happy. i spend every 5th&8th period with the lovely rachel allenger and i LOVE it. they're srsly the only periods in my day that i can look forward to. we're GOING to get kicked out of symphonic at least twice this year, but who cares ? we're going to be laughing through the entirety of this year. dennis and i are doing so so well, better than i ever thought we could be. i miss him so much, still. but even as far away as he is, he still has that innate ability to always make me smile i love that okay i'm happyyyy, byebyebyeebyeee. Current Mood: bouncy (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 6th, 2006
4:17 pm	ughhhh the fist day was so stressful, i don't even want to talk about it but i'm pretty sure my AP classes might just kill me. andddd i'm pretty sure i'm the most insecure, overly critical person of myself ever. that is all. byebye. Current Mood: stressed (Comment on this)
Monday, September 4th, 2006
4:09 pm	spark notes is my newest best friend i gave up trying to finish reading the scarlet letter so i spark noted that shit .. and hooray ! i can finally start my paper [ due wednesday might i add ] currently i'm outlining the literary devices i plan on using etc etc but i wrote my intro and even that little bit of progress make me less stressed =]]]] Current Mood: relieved (2 Comments |Comment on this)
12:23 pm	my boyfriend is the most amazing person in the world he makes me so happy even when i'm depressed and totally unhappy, a three hour phone call pretty much does the trick to make me smile again. we were talking about it last night.. and though we both expected the worst from this it seems as though we could really make it through. we have our hearts in the right place. and just hearing him say those things with such conviction made me absolutely believe it i'm lucky to have met him, my life really wouldn't be the same had i not. i've totally converted into a believer of fate. au revoir mes amoures<3 Current Mood: hopeful (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 2nd, 2006
9:05 pm	i'm so depressed. i hate that it feels like fall. i hate that school is starting. i hate that i miss you so much. even hanging out with my friends can't make me forget.. i just hate every emotion i'm feeling right now, all i want to do lately is curl up in my bed. this isn't like me =[. Current Mood: gloomy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, August 31st, 2006
10:20 pm	school is so so SO sooooooon and i dont want to go at alllllll</3 i still havent read freaking jude the obscure and it's stressing me out to no end but whatev, i know that i'll get it done eventually before the first day. i left things in here on a truly depressing note; my apologies<33 i've been alright lately i was better adapt to saying goodbye to kristi and it wasnt as upsetting because i'm completely secure that we'll always be good friends but anyway... the other day after my hair appt. i hung out with rachel and we played spa: we walked around with mud masks on and painted our nails and played with makeup then we ate ice cream and danced to true gangsta music while we were all glammed out lol it made me very happy. =]]] and my haircut is basically phenom, i will now and forever go to cactus salon<3 i really really reallyyyyyy miss dennis though. like everything i do i just wish he could be there i'm not as bad as i orginally was - just a crying heap in my room but it's moments like when we're saying goodbye on the phone that are just hearbreaking to me i cant really explain it, i just feel like a major part of me is unfairly far away. BUTBUTBUT the 28th was dennis and i's 3month since our first date =] and while we couldnt be together, the next day i got a present from him in the mail... =]]]]]]]] aren't they beautiful ?? they meant so much to me that i cried, pathetically, genuinely happy tears i love you i love you iiiii love you. tonight i went out to dinner with my fam for my uncles birthday they get on my nerves but i lovelovelove my cousins amanda and joey amanda and i repeatedly have tried to get together and catch up but i'm determined that we will soon =]. NEW HAIR PHOTOS: [ since my boyfriend's aim is all virus-y ] with my flowers <3 =] andddd i love the color of my nails in this one ... =] kay byeeeeeeeee. Current Mood: cheerful (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, August 20th, 2006
3:54 pm	getting in the shower now but quickly: i've decided me and rach should never fight again. i'm going to the beach with kristi mike dennis rach and steve at sunset tonight =] it should be cute. a deff great last way for us all to hang out, good job nicole <3 ! last night went to a surprise grad party for dennis' friend laura, it was cuteeee and the rest of the night ended up being amazing, too i love my boyfrienddddddd<33 he leaves in 2 days. COUNT THEM: ONE, TWO. 2 best friends ? leave in four. COUNT: ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR. all of the mean girls are acting as my air bag tuesday though, so i at least have that. i plan on being the crying awful mess that i would only allow them to see me as blah okay, i swore to myself i won't cry tonight and i plan to stick to that. lovelovelove: i love kristi mohr i love rachel allenger and i most deffinitely love dennis irizarry thats all that's important to me right now ookay byeeee<3 (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 17th, 2006
11:17 am	i'm getting a new cell phone. and i'm persistant that this one has texting. my schedule was fixed and even though i had to drop french i get to take broadcast a year early that made me really happy though - and now i'm actually looking forward to something =] yesterday night i hung out with alyssa who i havent seen in a longlong time we watched 10 things i hate about you since i've never seen it and caught up about everything i lovelovelove her and i'm happy i finally got to see her but i felt really bad the whole night dennis called me after i got to alyssas and asked me to go to port jeff;; i obv couldn't go then and i felt so aweful because it's probably going to be the last time we'd be able to go together idk, tonight i'm going with him and his friends to the cats meow; so that should be interesting we've been really good lately though and that makes me happy  and this weekend i'm buying him his going away presents, i have a pretty good idea of what i'm getting him =] alright; i'm going to do some crunches and then shower i have another driving lesson at 3:30 and then idkkkk what until later a bientot<3333 Current Mood: good (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
11:11 am	its raining =[[[ i have my first private driving lesson today but maybe not ? cause it is rainingggg ? idk. but thennnn afterwards my dad and i are taking dennis out to dinner at ciao baby =] then after THAT dennis has a party to go to so i'm reuniting with my mean girls <3 !!!! i love them so. andddd thats going to be my day. theres one week left. 7 days exactly. =[[ i can't i can't i can't. melissa - i'm going to hold you to that cry-fest, i'll need it<3 i'll write more later, byeee (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 12th, 2006
2:21 pm	it's amazing i feel the exact same way about him that i did the day we met our first date seems such a short time ago but already he's getting ready to leave i can't let him go i love him so much this has been the happiest summer of my life. Current Mood: thankful (Comment on this)
Saturday, August 5th, 2006
6:28 pm	i've been having the weirdest mood swings lately. i can go one day being so undeniably happy then the next so self-doubting and decidedly unhappy. today is an unhappy day thus far.. i'm so torn about the ending of this summer on one hand i feel that i need a change so badly and on the other i have a hopeless desire for things to stay exactly as they are. i've gotten so comfortable in the place in life that i am in now but something needs to give. i can't picture this next year that is steadily approaching - at all i know i'm going to be insanely busy, and that will help take my mind off a lot of things for one.. but i don't want this year to just become a balancing act between SATs, drivers ed, the show, AP courses, and somehow maintaining a social life i can see myself being stretched too thin, and just breaking down under the weight of it all that's what i'm afraid of. also: dennis and i want to try to stay together while he's away. i know the first couple of days will be just constant phone-calling and missing him but what after that ? this is such a major undertaking for any relationship and i don't want to drift apart right in front of my eyes.. that would completely break my heart. i don't know what i'm going to do; going from seeing him nearly every day to over a month before he comes home. i can barely go a day without seeing him before i miss him as it is and on another note : kristi and trace and meliss among many others are leaving me too kristi and trace leaving leaves just me and rach as the remaining mean girls on l.i. =[[[[ blahhh what am i going to do without mean girls get togethers ?! and kristi kind of being my twinny like 6 hours away makes me want to cry. and symphonic ? on the first day when i walk in there and don't have: melissa to make faces at during warm-ups and kristi to frantically whisper to in between songs i'm going to bawlllllllllllllll my eyes out kthanks. thank god rach && amanda are still in it too though, i might just die. blah i don't know, i'm just being negative. on a more positive note: the change that i need i've decided is a cosmetic one. i'm.. a: growing out my hair .. longlonglong. b: putting in some color highlights.. i'm thinking a dark auburn ? c: finding a new signature scent [ hey, it counts as a change ] d: losing more weight. the last one has been a constant problem with my doctor having me go to weekly weight-checks and being in therapy now [ who - btw i love my therapist ] but i've been feeling really awful lately; and i was so much happier when i was losing weight. and plus she's letting me go a month before my next weight-check, so i win. =] it's too hot to type any more - i'm going into my air conditioned room and staying put. <3. Current Mood: apathetic (Comment on this)
Friday, July 28th, 2006
10:08 am	updation kristi mohr is my best friend in the entire worrrrrlllllddddd<3 okay so last night went out to get sushi with kristi then went to starbucks ! kristi was a sushi virgin so she was like WHAT is that ? but she liked it just the same i love when we hang out just the two of us, we're so alike it's scary. and i really can talk to her about everything, which is comforting seeing as she's going through the same thing as i am AAF. mhm, i and i'm in love with my life right now<33333 2 months with dennis todayyyy =]]]] and i love him a lot a lotttttt okay all for now, byeeee<3 Current Mood: loved (Comment on this)